No discussion of safety skills is complete without acknowledging the hard reality that most women and girls experience violence at the hands of people they know, often people close to them. This usually takes the form of physical and emotional abuse perpetrated by a dating partner or sexual assault perpetrated by a familiar person. These situations can be harder to face than violence perpetrated by strangers, but at the same time it is important to remember that there are effective strategies.
We are powerful. There are things we can do.
Someone else’s desire to hurt us doesn’t have to take away our power or our choices. We have the ability to assess situations and make judgments that are best for us.
What happens when you ask for something you need or say you don’t like something a person is doing?
If you’re dating someone new or meeting someone for the first time you can learn a lot by paying attention to what the person does when you ask for what you need. Does the person ignore you? Try to talk you out of what you need? Call you names or dismiss you? Or does the person respect you and try to compromise? If someone doesn’t respect your needs over small things (like where to go out to eat, whether to go to a certain party, what time you want to get home, etc.) it’s a good sign that the person could disrespect your needs over bigger things like sex or your safety.
Change the physical dynamic.
If you don’t feel safe with someone or you’re having a hard conversation, you don’t have to stand right next to the person. Moving away with strong body language can communicate as much as words in some situations. If the person’s arm is around you, it’s OK to move it.
Someone else’s violence and abuse is never your fault.
If something happens it can sometimes help to get support from a caring person who won’t judge or blame you. Most campuses and cities have sexual assault services and 24-hour hotlines that you can call without having to give your name or any other personal information.
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