IMPACT Boston blog

Healing through IMPACT: A Domestic Violence Survivor Shares Her Story

Allow me to introduce myself, I am a 29-year-old single mother of a 3-year-old girl and we are survivors of Domestic Violence. My abuse begun when I was about seven months pregnant and it continued until my daughter turned 1.

 

I suffered verbal abuse, emotional, financial and physical abuse, which in the end left me traumatized and scarred for a long time. My fear of confrontation kept me away from direct contact with people. Anyone that was bigger and louder made it worse. Having my body violated in so many ways and so many times, caused me to develop a low self esteem, I avoided individuals of the opposite sex, my head hung low all the time.

 

Now stressed out, depressed, always crying, I prayed for the nightmare to end. My weight went from 120 to 95 pounds, my collarbone protruding. I was always tired and felt weak in my body. What was I to do? My mother asked me one day if I had begun abusing drugs. Despite everything else that I had already endured her question hurt the most.

 

My last physical incident would soon come. What started as an argument ended with me losing consciousness. The last detail I remember was him saying “I own you, I signed for you, you will never leave me”.

 

This made no sense to me, I pleaded for him stop. I asked him to think about our daughter and what was going to happen to her if I’ll be dead and him in jail?

His response was, that would be for me to think about. What I felt next was what felt like me swallowing someone else’s hand. He pressed so hard on my throat I lost my breath.

 

From that day forward, my daughter and I became homeless, a blessing in disguise. Becoming homeless by all means was traumatizing within itself, but had I not been homeless I would not have received the services that did. I would not be where I am now both physically and mentally.

 

HarborCOV, Harbor Community Overcoming Violence, provided the services and support that played a major role in my recovery. Project SAFE, a collaboration between HarborCOV, Homes for Families and IMPACT provided even more.

 

After experiencing an IMPACT class, I felt revived, confident, almost proud; how is it a self defense class can create such change in me? My explanation was because they made it about me. I felt like the classes were designed around my needs to help me build on my weaknesses and turn them into strengths. IMPACT taught me what is and is not a safe distance, de-escalation, and skills that would then enable me to ask for what I needed and get it.

 

After experiencing IMPACT I felt extremely motivated and confident. Finally I felt like I was in control of my life. No longer did walk with my head hung low, I began to ride the train without looking over my shoulder or being upset that someone is close to me. I could bravely answer the telephone and be in full control of the conversation. I live my life no longer in fear and in hiding.

 

All seemed well as I had found my footing and was well on my way to a healthier living. Then came the flashbacks, and due to these flashbacks I was being triggered. Incidents occurred where I was in that place again, confrontation, fighting, the sound of his voice the way he smelled even his face. I would close my eyes and feel that someone was standing over me, or awaken in intense fear that someone was in my home. Slowly becoming dysfunctional. Sleep deprivation, PTSD, depression were constant. I was in school, working and managing a 3-year-old.

 

Once more I reached out to IMPACT and signed up for their new course for abuse survivors that combines self-defense with relaxation exercises from Tai Chi. The class helped me take care of myself in the moment and helped me to process in a healthy way. How do I take care of myself after a flashback?  I now know when I’m having a flashback, I take deep breaths, look for familiar object to remind myself of where I am, I feel for the ground beneath me, I somehow remember to wriggle my fingers an toes. Finally I now fully understand the importance of using my voice. When I advocate for my needs or to help someone. When asking for help or to simply say NO. I speak with confidence using my voice gives me comfort and strength.

 

I am a survivor of Domestic Violence and yes, I have experienced trauma. I am no longer homeless. I am now a continuing college student, a full time mom and am employed by a local domestic violence organization.

My darkest fears have now become my blessing.

I am no longer fearfully dependent as I am now depended upon.

Violence in the Media Creates Fear, Not Just Violence

Guest blog from Alena Schaim, Executive Director, IMPACT Personal Safety New Mexico

I  love watching movies with my friends.  I deeply dislike violence in the media.  But, you know, the one perk to it is hearing my friends shout (at home on the couch!) “Poke his eyes!  Groin!” as the poor woman on the screen is unable to do anything in the countless situations she falls victim to.  After all, one in eight Hollywood movies depict sexual assault.

Many of us know that the violent scenes in the movies and TV are primarily put in gratuitously to titillate the viewer.  Frequently it is not crucial to the plot, and even when it is, they show far more detail than necessary.  Thankfully my friends are very adept at helping the (usually) woman get out of the situation – the situation we were all warning her not to get into in the first place.  Because we knew, right?  There was ominous music that she clearly ignored when she walked down that alley!

Now, putting aside the significant lack of skills that the average heroine [sic] in a movie has, there is another issue to be addressed here…  Just how many rapists are hanging out in the bushes with knives or sneaking in windows??  Watching a movie, TV, or the six o’clock news, you’d think that that was the most common threat that people faced.  Yet, statistically, 70%-80% of sexual assault victims knew their attackers.  But that is not what we see on TV.  Why? 

It’s less exciting!  News stations will search the nation to find the most scandalous act of violence to bring to your home television.  The craving for the most extreme violence out there is appalling enough.  But what is even more disturbing is what these images do to people’s expectations in life.  Those who would walk with confidence become plagued with the dangers that supposedly lurk around every corner.  Many become afraid of walking in nature or of feeling a breeze through their window because it appears that that is where the biggest risk exists. 

Much of the focus of violence in the media has been to speculate whether it promotes violence in real life.  However, it decidedly cultivates and shapes people’s fears.  And I, for one, am outraged that in the name of informing and entertaining society, that it is scaring people I love into living smaller, more cautious lives than necessary.

IMPACT Intern Martiza A. Shares her Experience of Learning IMPACT while living in a shelter for women and children

I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to take part in the IMPACT classes at the shelter. Truthfully, when the shelter first told us we would be required to participate in classes for the next five weeks, I was upset.  I remember thinking that it was going to be a big waste of time.  I tried talking my case-worker into allowing me to skip these classes.  I had just had a baby.  He was only about 2 months old.  I didn’t feel too comfortable allowing some stranger to watch him while I took part in these classes.  But, she told me to at least try it and if I absolutely hated it she would not make me continue.

That next week was the first class.  The instructor was a woman named Ana.  Once she started explaining the class plan for the next five sessions, I remember getting excited and wondering to myself if I would be able to do these new moves.  I decided that this was easy enough and I was going to do my best to hit as hard as I could and use this experience as a way to release some of the stress I was going through.  Being a woman in shelter and having just had another baby, I had a lot of stress in my life. 

At first they taught us to use our voice and be assertive.  This was difficult for me, which was totally unexpected.   Being a survivor of trauma and sexual abuse, I had mostly blocked out a lot of my feelings.  But once the instructor started playing the part of an attacker and began shouting some obscene remarks at me, I was floored.  I found myself at a complete loss of words.  All the fear and emotions came rushing back at me.  Ana talked me through it and I could hear the support from the other women in the class.  I decided that I was not going to let this get me down.  I overcame my fear and shouted back at him.  I told him what I wanted.  It took a couple of tries.  At first I had to sit down and watch some of the other women take their turns first, but I did it.  From that point on, I was excited and couldn’t wait for them to come back the following week.

I got a lot out of that experience and am really proud of myself.  It was very hard and I did not expect for my emotions to turn on me like that especially over a class.  Ana explained to me that it was a normal reaction and that I could get through it.  And I did.

Now I am an intern at IMPACT and will be assisting at other shelter classes.  I am glad that I did stay and I have made some good friendships with some of the other women in my class.   I feel that all women should have the opportunity to take an IMPACT class. 

Creating Heroic Role Models For Young Girls

Author and Journalist Resa Nelson on How IMPACT helped give her characters confidence

Award-Winning Science Fiction/Fantasy Novelist Resa Nelson is a veteran IMPACT graduate. Her most recent book The Dragonslayer's Sword was published this year. As a writer, she has worked to create powerful and self-confident characters and explains how her experience of learning to protect herself helped her develop confidence in her writing and her life.

I’m a Boston-area novelist and a longtime IMPACT graduate, going back to the days when it was first known as Model Mugging.  I took my first course when a security guard at work repeatedly harassed me – and after I completed that course, he never bothered me again.  At the time, I was beginning to sell short fiction, but I had one serious problem.  Before IMPACT, I had a victim mentality, always thinking things like “poor me” and “if only…”

A fellow writer once told me that the fictional characters you create can only be as psychologically healthy as you are, which makes sense to me.  Before IMPACT, my characters were like me:  weak and passive.  But IMPACT transformed me.  It helped me understand that I’m in charge of my own life.  It made me more willing to take risks.  Instead of sitting back and waiting for things to go my way, I learned how to take charge and take action.

Until I became strong and heroic in my own life, none of the characters I created could be strong or heroic, because I needed to learn and experience how someone with those traits thinks and believes and acts.

But having that range of experience – from victim to fighter – means I’m able to write novels about characters undergoing that same transformation.  For example, my first novel is about a female blacksmith.  When she’s a girl, she believes she’s a monster because her skin is covered in scars as the result of being chewed up and spit out by a dragon.  She grows up to become a blacksmith and loves her work – but then her world falls apart and she must find the courage not only to survive but to rise up and become a hero.  She sometimes finds herself in situations where she must defend herself.  Even though she doesn’t have the exact skills taught in IMPACT courses, she’s resourceful, creative, and mindful of the decisions she makes when she fights.

Readers often tell me how much they love my characters.  Every time I write a new novel, my characters are a reflection of many things I learned from my IMPACT training, from understanding my own worth to setting boundaries to fighting back when necessary.  My mission as a novelist is to keep writing books that feature strong, heroic women.   

Boston Globe Advice Columnist supports self-defense training

In a recent response to a woman who was feeling unsafe and uncomfortable at the gym because a man was giving her unsolicited advice Globe advice columnist Miss Conduct (aka Robin Abrahams) did a wonderful job of outlining the continuum of self-defense. Her early advice was to set a boundary-- it isn't rude to ask someone who is paying us unwanted attention to stop. Beyond that it also helps us sort out whether the person paying us unwanted attention just has a different social sense than we do or actually means us harm. (A harmless person will respond to a verbal boundary by leaving us alone. If someone keeps pushing it's a sign they may be looking to undermine our safety.)

Miss Conduct then proceeds to encourage her reader to take Model Mugging (IMPACT's former name) as a way to help her feel more confident and capable of protecting herself against imminent danger.

Read the advice column by clicking on the link below!

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/articles/2009/09/13/feeling_safe_at_the_gym/?comments=all

An IMPACT Success Story

Thanks to our Affiliate, IMPACT Personal Safety Los Angeles for sending this Along.

I was rear-ended last week by a kid who was following too closely as we drove toward the sunrise. Afterwards, as we stood by the side of the road exchanging information, I thought I smelled alcohol on his breath and wanted to call the cops to cover myself with an official report. Though he'd been very friendly and apologetic during our entire exchange, he got rushed and said he was going to be late for work and really had to go. He tried to convince me the cops weren't necessary and that I was just being silly.
 
I was temped to just let him go. Though he was smaller than me, that old familiar "don't piss off the guy" fear writhed in my stomach. But I decided to trust my intuition and firmly insisted we do things by the book and call the cops. He stopped trying to convince me otherwise sat in his car while I talked to the police dispatch.
 
In the past I would have easily let him slime out of it and I would have left myself holding the bag. But this time I didn't let it happen. I set a boundary and did what I needed to do to take care of my own safety and the safety of my car and that felt like a good change.

Letter of Appreciation from House of Hope Executive Director

Dear Meg,

Our graduation from IMPACT just concluded and I needed to write a note of appreciation while this moving experience is still fresh.  Your staff and the other collaborators which for us included Harbor Communities Overcoming Violence,  Homes for Families, and the Domestic Violence unit at DTA have again earned our gratitude as residents and staff of House of Hope now better understand issues of self  protection in many areas of their lives. 

At today’s graduation I witnessed the meekest and the most assertive of residents role play scenarios of self protection that included physical self defense as well as self advocacy utilizing newly learned negotiating skills.  I am also aware that participants engaged in economic literacy learning that was grounded in their common experience of financial scarcity, competing demands and at times, demanding families/boyfriends.

Judging from the encouraging yells and thunderous applause, I would say that House of Hope participants felt empowered and successful. We are very grateful to the good people who staff the organizations that enabled this experience and we look forward to next opportunity to provide our families with the practice and teaching that they need to achieve increased personal safety and improved financial standing.

Very Sincerely,


Deb Chausse
Executive Director
House of Hope, Inc.

Editor's Note: click here for more information about the Project SAFE Collaboration)

Why do Violence Prevention Advocates Resist Self-Defense?

An interview with researcher Jocelyn Hollander

 

 

Jocelyn Hollander has been an advocate for women's self-defense for more than 20 years. As a researcher she conducted one of the only systematic studies of why those who advocate women's empowerment and sexual violence prevention struggle embrace the work of IMPACT and other similar organizations.

 

IMPACT: How did you initially become interested in self-defense as a response to violence against women and sexual violence in particular?

JOCELYN HOLLANDER: I took my first self-defense class more or less by accident. My college roommate became interested in women’s self-defense and talked me into taking a class with her. I was actually quite reluctant to take that class – little did I know that it would transform my life and direct my career path for the next two decades. I probably wouldn’t be a sociologist, and I certainly wouldn’t be studying violence against women, if it weren’t for that class. My college roommate has a lot to answer for!

Once I overcame my initial resistance to taking that class, I fell in love with self-defense. I suddenly understood the world around me in a new way. For example, I realized how much my life had been governed by fear, and I stopped taking that fear for granted. Why should I feel afraid? Why should I have to rely on others for protection? I realized that I had the ability to protect myself, and that realization was life-changing.


IMPACT: What are some of the positive outcomes you've observed in women as they participate in self-defense training programs?

JH: I’ve studied women who have taken a class much like the first one I took – an intensive, feminist class offered on a college campus. Not surprisingly, I’ve found that learning self-defense increases women’s confidence in their ability to defend themselves. They feel stronger, they know a range of verbal and physical strategies they could use if confronted with an assault, and they feel confident that they’d be able to actually use these strategies.

Even more importantly, my research has found that learning self-defense also empowers women in many other areas of their lives. They feel better about themselves and their bodies. For example, they say things like, “I feel more comfortable in my own skin,” or “I see my own power and strength.” They report feeling more comfortable interacting with everyone from family to friends to partners to strangers. They develop more self-confidence, and they no longer see women as weak and men as inevitably more powerful. Perhaps most importantly, they have an increased sense of self-worth – they believe that they are worth defending. These are huge changes; they affect virtually every aspect of women’s lives.


IMPACT:  You've done and excellent systematic analysis of why people struggle with or object to self-defense training as a strategy for preventing sexual violence.  More specifically you've addressed the struggles of feminists and sexual violence prevention advocates. What are the most common reasons for resistance?

JH: I’ve encountered three types of resistance. First, some people believe that women are fundamentally incapable of defending themselves. I’ve called this the “it’s impossible” reaction: why encourage (or teach or study or fund) women’s self-defense if women are simply too weak to be effective?

Second, some people argue that teaching women self-defense is too dangerous. The argument here is that if women learn self-defense, they’ll become over-confident – or foolhardy or even aggressive – and go out looking for fights, which of course (buying into the “it’s impossible” theme) they’ll inevitably lose.

Finally, some people argue that teaching and advocating women’s self-defense is victim-blaming, because it can imply that women are responsible for controlling men’s violence.  Perhaps, they argue, learning about the effectiveness of self-defense will encourage survivors to blame themselves – if they’d only fought back, or fought back more effectively, then the assault would not have happened.

There’s also been another argument recently that says that self-defense training should not be a priority because our main focus should be on “primary prevention” – that is, on the root causes of violence. Self-defense training, these folks says, is nothing more than a band-aid that doesn’t do anything to reduce the incidence of violence.


IMPACT: How have you responded to these objections?

JH: The “it’s impossible” response just isn’t supported by the evidence. There’s quite a bit of research now that shows that women often do resist when they are attacked, and that when they do resist, they are often successful in preventing sexual assault – even when they are not trained in self-defense. We don’t yet have any research on whether self-defense training makes them more successful; I’m in the middle of some research now which I hope will help us answer that question. But the research we have so far is pretty unequivocal: women can defend themselves, and can do so successfully. (Of course, it’s also important to say that this conclusion is based on the examination of large numbers of incidents, and that in any particular situation self-defense may be more or less possible.)

As far as the “it’s too dangerous” response, I’ve asked the women I’ve studied whether they feel learning self-defense has made them overconfident. So far, not a single person has said that it has. They still have a healthy fear of violence; the difference now is that they feel like they have some strategies to prevent it and cope with it if it happens.

The “it’s victim-blaming” response is in some ways the most difficult. I have a lot of sympathy for this position – women are blamed for their own victimization in a variety of ways, and I don’t want my research to contribute to that. But I think it’s possible to say that women can defend themselves without implying that they are responsible for the violence against them. Just because women can fight back doesn’t mean that it is their responsibility to fight back, or that they should do so in every situation. Responsibility for violence always lies with the perpetrator. Sometimes compliance is the safest choice, and women shouldn’t be blamed if they choose not to resist – or if they do resist and are unsuccessful.

The main point I make in my research, however, is that the real root of all these different types of resistance is our societal beliefs about gender – our beliefs about what women and men are and should be like. These ideas keep us from being able to see women as strong and capable and men as potentially vulnerable (the “it’s impossible” reaction). They encourage us to think that women will become overconfident or foolhardy (the “it’s too dangerous” reaction), by suggesting that women aren’t capable and/or that they somehow aren’t rational enough to use self-defense tools wisely. Finally, the “it’s victim-blaming” response sees women as incapable of understanding complex ideas, such as the fact that perpetrators are responsible for violence whether or not women employ self-defense strategies. As I say in a recent article, “Would anyone seriously suggest that men be shielded from information about how to deter muggers because it
might make them blame themselves for past muggings?” Of course not, but somehow we think that women are so emotionally vulnerable that they will be devastated by the knowledge of self-defense.

Women’s self-defense training is dangerous because it challenges these deeply-held beliefs – and because in doing so, it challenges gender inequality. In the end, I think that’s why many people are resistant to the idea of women defending themselves. 


 

Stopfamilyviolence.org Calls on Abuse Prevention Community to Challenge Marriott Hotel Chain's Use of Victim Blaming

For more information or to take action visit www.stopfamilyviolence.org:

The Stamford Marriott Hotel & Spa, sued by a woman raped in front of her children at gunpoint in its unmonitored parking garage, claimed she was careless, negligent and "failed to exercise due care for her own safety and the safety of her children and proper use of her senses and facilities." Now Marriott International has stated they will drop the "blame the victim" legal defense.  Let Marriott know their response is too little too late, and tell them how they can support the survivor and all women.

In a statement released to the press, StopFamilyViolence.org's  Executive Director Irene Weiser said, "The statements and actions by Marriott International were cruel and heartless and no doubt have added to the rape survivor's trauma.  What's more, Marriott's actions have sent a chill to women everywhere since fear of being blamed and ruthless legal tactics are key reasons that survivors don't report this all-too-common demeaning and brutal crime."

 

Guest Blog from Alena Schaim, Executive Director, IMPACT Personal Safety New Mexico

 

Knowledge is Power. Knowledge is Scary?

 

When it comes to safety for children, adults often have to do the dance of "how much do I say?" One doesn't want to frighten a child by explaining dangers in graphic detail, but neither is it truly protecting a child to let him or her remain ignorant and without skills to deal with issues that may come up.

At IMPACT we use the example of crossing the street to discuss personal safety. If I am teaching a child to cross the street, I will certainly not talk about broken bones and blood, hospital visits, years of therapy and possible death. Nor will I just say, "go ahead and cross" without discussing looking for cars, judging speed, etc. Similarly, when preparing our children to be safe in the world, we certainly don't need to talk about the horrors of molestation or kidnappings. It also would be irresponsible to send them off to school, dance class, or soccer without preparing them in some way for people or behaviors they might encounter.

The fact is that as caring moms, dads, aunts, etc. you cannot be there all the time to protect them. And if they have ever walked through the room when you were watching the news or a more adult show, overheard an adult conversation, or even heard something from a friend - they already have some worries. Giving them the skills to address them in a fun, age-appropriate way actually makes them feel safer. By giving tools rather than statistics, children can feel strong and confident without needing to know the full context within which they're getting them.

Alena Schaim is IMPACT's Executive Director and an Instructor.